probably not.

you do like to make things hard on yourself.

do you ever think, like, ‘wow. this guy is fucking pathetic.’

of course, i think about you all the time.

okay, yeah.  i just mean, when i’m sitting here talking.  i think it.

well, of course you think it.  it’s all you think.

it’s-

yes, i do.  i imagine you wiping your ass and trying not to burst into tears because you’re afraid that everyone knows that you don’t wipe the exact right way or something like that.  you’re a mess, and i’m mentally composing emails to other therapists to tell them about the sadsack who thinks everyone in the world hates him and is totally right.

…

is that what you’re imagining?

i knew it.

LoL. actually, a lot of the time i think about how impressive some of the things you’re doing are, and how you don’t give yourself credit for them.

well, it is impressive for an almost middle-aged adult to be able to hold a job and a partner at the same time, all while having conversations with other adults on the daily.

that’s what i’m talking about.  these things are difficult for you, and you don’t give yourself credit for them.  these are things you were not able to do for a long time, and they’re things that are still difficult.  rather than avoiding them, telling yourself that they’re beyond your abilities, you do them every single day.

everybody does them every single day.  i may as well be patting myself on the back for wiping my own ass correctly.

it makes no sense to simultaneously acknowledge you have a problem and then minimize that problem and yourself for having it.  it’s self-defeating.  even when you’re making progress, you can’t give yourself credit for it.  think about when you first came here.  we had to make a game plan for you to be able to make a phone call, remember?  it took two tries, right here in the office.  i had to make you do it here so you’d actually do it.  you were shaking before and after.  and now you’re going to parties.  parties with people you don’t even know.

yeah, but i drink before we even leave the house.

oh yeah?

yeah, i do a shot of whatever’s the strongest stuff we have in the house.  151, or even everclear.

oh my god, you drink that?

i have to, to be able to do it.

i don’t think that’s even weird.  most people need to drink to relax around strangers.

do they need to get drunk before they even arrive?

some of them, probably.  that’s one of the main things people use alcohol for.  in fact, a lot of time, people with your issues, because they usually aren’t able to bring themselves to go talk to someone- like you were able to do -use alcohol to self-medicate, and it often leads to alcoholism, but you’re using it in what sounds like a healthy way.  see, instead of giving yourself credit for the accomplishment, you’re penalizing yourself for how you do it.  honestly, i’m impressed that you’re actually using alcohol effectively in that way.  it’s like it doesn’t even matter that you did the thing, because you know that you were still uncomfortable.  guess what?  you’ll always be uncomfortable.  it’s who you are, but people don’t necessarily recognize it, and if you’re able to manage it and still do the things you want to do then that would be the definition of success.

xoxox always says that it’s almost like i’m myself when i’m drunk.  that she can’t believe that when i’m talking to people, to strangers, it’s almost like i’m myself, instead of being scared and hiding.

when you’re fucked up.

that’s the real me.  that’s what she says, anyway.

do you believe her?

i don’t know.  i do wander off from her sometimes and talk to people on my own.

on purpose?

i’m not sure.  i’m drunk.

are you aware that you’ve left her?

yeah.

are you very concerned about what the people are thinking of you in those moments?

of course i am.  whatever xoxox sees, i’m still the real real me, inside.

so what she thinks she’s seeing isn’t the truth.

well, it’s her truth.  it’s not the truth.

what she or anyone else might be seeing or thinking or feeling isn’t the truth.  what you’re seeing, thinking, feeling- that everyone hates you -that’s the truth.

yeah, but i don’t usually realize it till later.

when you’ve had time to sober up and think about it.

yeah.