give me an example of something that happens when you’re teaching.

i don’t think that the thoughts i have are that out of the ordinary.  i mean, i think most people get nervous and uncomfortable teaching.

you’re absolutely right.  it’s a scary thing for almost everyone, standing up in front of other people and being the center of attention.

and you know that none of them even want to be there.

what do you mean?

the class.  no one wants to be in freshman comp.  it’s writing.  they wouldn’t take if they didn’t have to.

can you be sure of that, though?

yes, everyone hates writing class. it doesn’t have anything to do with the teacher, it’s the class.

ah, okay.  that just sounded like something you might tell yourself- that they all hate the class because of you.

no, not that.

okay, then.

i mean, i’m sure i’m not helping matters any, but-

why is it necessary to say that?  you literally just said it’s the class and not you.  can’t it just be that the class itself is objectionable?  why even include yourself in their negative thoughts?

 i’m part of the package, right?

so are other teachers, though.

yeah, they probably hate them, too, but i don’t got time to worry bout that.

but you have time and energy to think about yourself as being especially terrible and hateable

i am at the center of most earthly entanglements.

anyway, tell me about what kinds of thoughts you have when you’re standing up there in front of the class.

a lot of times it’s totally fine, because i’m so caught up trying to explain things or respond to whateverwhatever that i don’t have, like, the time to dwell on those kinds of thoughts.

that’s good.  but what about times when those thoughts do creep in?

before class starts, definitely.

before class?

when you’re sitting there in the room waiting for class to start and they’re coming in.  it’s really uncomfortable, because, sometimes they talk to each other or maybe have questions for you, but a lot of times everyone just sits there silent.  just a room full of people sitting and not talking to each other, looking at their phones.  really, it depends on the class.  some are very talkative, but others aren’t.

the ones that don’t talk- do you think they’re uncomfortable?

maybe.  sometimes someone will say something to break the silence.

to you?

or to each other. usually to each other.

do you want them to talk to you?

i mean, if they need to, then of course. it’s my job.

oh, like if they have questions about something from the class?

yeah.

but what about when they’re just chatting with each other in a friendly way- do you want them to talk to you then?

i’m-

what i mean is, do you feel left out? do you want to be included in their conversations?

why would i be included in their conversations? i’m the teacher, i’m like twice their age. it would be weird if they wanted me to be part of their discussions about their lives.

not necessarily. but also, that’s not the question i asked- i asked if you wanted to be included.

it’s not relevant, though. by the nature of the situation, i’m unlike everyone else in the room. i run the conversation once class starts- we only talk about what i decide we’re going to talk about, and i even decide who talks, when they talk, and who they talk to. it would be ridiculous if i also wanted to control their conversations outside of that one-hundred and fifty minutes each week.

it’s not about you ‘controlling’ anything. i’m just asking- do you want to be included in their conversations?

they don’t even always talk to each other before class.

do you wish they did?

um, i guess it would be nice, just because of they’re talking to start it’s more likely they’ll keep talking during class.

do you want to be included in those conversations?

well, i guess it-

nothing to do with how it would benefit class, just as a person: do you wish they included you in their conversations?

…

it’s not weird at all if your answer is yes, you know. would it be be embarrassing to you if the answer to my question is yes?

…

what i’m hearing right now is your tendency to cast every single emotion or need you have as invalid. just be honest- would you like to be included in your students’ conversations-when they have them -before class.

it’s just not something that is necessary, even if it’s not weird. i don’t need to be their friend. i’m their teacher.

it’s not like it’s inappropriate, though. and i’m not even talking about being ‘friends’ with them, i’m just talking about having a friendly conversation with them. if you say yes, it doesn’t mean you’re defective. why don’t you want to answer this question?

it just doesn’t make sense. my goal shouldn’t be to be their good buddy.

do you want to be included in their conversations?

whenever i do talk to them, it often ends up bleeding into class time, anyway. so it’s problematic for that reason, too.  because i do get caught up in silly conversations way too easy, and it wastes too much class time already.

do you want them to include you in their conversations?

i already worry that i’m overly concerned with being the ‘cool teacher.’  it’s a trap that’s too easy for me to fall into.