(this is something i wrote in high school.  it seems likely that i thought it was really funny then, and when i stumbled across it earlier tonight i smiled, for reasons i’m not totally sure of)

Cast

A: main character
E: wife of A
I: daughter of A and E
O: burglar, attempts to rob A, E and I’s house
U: wacky neighbor of A, E and I

Setting: A, E and I’s living room

——————————————————————————-

Curtain Opens– A, E and I are sitting in their living room watching television on a Saturday morning/night. All are still wearing their pajamas.

A- I certainly do enjoy sitting in my own home on a Saturday morning night watching cartoons with my wife, E (motions to E), and my daughter, I (motions to I)!

(I nods, smiling.)

E- Yes, A, my husband, as do we!

I- Life is good!

(A and E nod violently, smiling)

(Suddenly, the door is kicked open-
basically a door just comes flying
in from some side of the stage)
(O comes in)

A, E and I– We are surprised and scared! Who are you?!

O- My name is O! I am a robber! I am robbing your house!

(A, E and I scream)

A- I hope you do not hurt us!

E- As do I! I mean, I, like, me, not my daughter, whose name is ‘I’! We will cooperate!

O- That sounds good! Now I will rob you!

I- I am young and do not appreciate the danger we are in! I will not cooperate!

(I runs up to O and punches him
in the leg and begins to run
around the couch)

O- Ouch!

(O chases her around the couch)

E- Oh my! What should we do?!

A- We must save our daughter from the inept burglar!

(A and E begin to run around the couch
as well, chasing O as he chases I)
(All four scream wildly as they run)
(U appears on whatever side of the stage
the door came from)

U- (obnoxiously) What is goin’ on?!

(A, E, I and O continue running and screaming)

I just thought I’d come over and see what is goin’ on! I mean, I, like, ya know, me, not the child, whose name is ‘I’!

(U tries to get into the circle, but
accidentally knocks down and knocks out O)
(A, E, I, and U stop running and
look at the unconscious O)

A- U! Your bumbling has saved the day!

U- I am outta here now!

(U runs as fast as he can off in
the direction he entered)

A- That was quite an adventure! I am-

U- (yelling from off-stage) When I said ‘I,’ I meant me my own self, still not the child, whose name is ‘I’! I myself am outta here now!

A- (yelling to U off-stage) We understand! Thank you!
(pause)
(to E and I)
That was quite an adven-

U- Was you talkin’ to me just now?! Ya know, when you said ‘you’?! Was that like ‘U,’ as in me, or ‘you,’ like you was talkin’ to someone else?!

(long pause, A is unsure what to say in response)

Hey! Are you gonna answer?! By which I mean ‘you,’ the person what I axed the question to just now, not ‘U,’ like what’s my own name like as if I was talking to myself over here!

A- Yes! We understand!

U- And ‘I,’ bein’ me, U, not da child, whose name is ‘I’!

A- Yes! You are clear, U! I, meaning me, myself, and not my own daughter, whose name is ‘I,’ did mean you, U, when I said ‘thank you’! However, for the sake of clarity, what I, myself, and not my own daughter, whose name is ‘I,’ meant when I said ‘Thank you’ was to give thanks to you, whose name is ‘U,’ rather than the exclamation ‘Thank U!,’ like I, meaning me, myself, and not my own daughter, whose name is ‘I,’ might say ‘Thank God!’ Both options would actually make sense in this situation, so I, meaning me myself and not my own daughter whose name is ‘I’ wanted to make sure that you, meaning ‘U’ whose name is ‘U,’ understood precisely!!!

U- Yep!

(loud gunfire is heard from whatever side of off-stage U left from)

A- That was quite an adventure! I am relieved no one was hurt!

E- As am I! Again, I mean ‘I’ as in, me, not like ‘I’ as in my daughter, whose name is I!

I- Me too!

A- Let’s celebrate our lives with something to eat!

E- But, A, we have no food to eat!

A- Not to worry E, my wife! We will just eat this wicked man who broke into our home!

I- (distraught) But father! This man is too big to fit into our oven!

A- (chuckles) Everything will be alright, my daughter! We will simply cut him up into smaller pieces!

(A, E and I laugh heartily)
(Curtain closes)

END~