i’m complicated. i contain multitudes, obvs. in most ways, i kind of fiercely protect this idea, trying self-consciously to make myself hard to sum up or pin down. i bristle, for example, at calling my partner my ‘wife,’ though we are married, because i want to reject all of the baggage that comes with the idea of being ‘married,’ of simply being thought of as someone’s ‘husband.’ i don’t like that whole concept, but more than that, i also don’t like having one word sum me up. (i don’t like the idea of a single word or concept summing anyone up, but i can’t control these things for other people. i can’t even control them for myself.)

in spite of this, the idea that i might be able to state simply and definitively “this is me” can seem, however fleetingly, to an attractive one. and so i wonder, what could i say about me? what identity might i assert that’s strong enough to make all the remaining inconsistencies and complications seem less pressing? is there a me that can be said to overshadow all the other me’s? let’s find out now~:

• social phobia
  • this one is probably, if i had to pick one, the winner. it colors every other part of me, and there’s no decision i make that isn’t at least partly influenced by it. it’s the only part of me that i have to take medication to keep from being wholly swallowed up by. it’s the part of me that i acknowledge most consistently and openly, but it’s also the one i try most actively to fight against. it’s the me that i wish i wasn’t, even though it’s me when i’m at my me-est.
• teacher
  • this is my favorite me, but it’s also the me that least resembles me. this me is supportive, optimistic and genuine. it’s the best me, to the point that i have a hard time recognizing myself i am positive and encouraging and sincere, and i truly mean these things. when i started teaching, i was told that i would create a ‘teacher persona’ that would still be me, but it would also be a really distinct version of myself that doesn’t appear anywhere but the classroom. it’s true, and it’s so weird. if i had to pick one of me that i wish i was, it’s this fucking guy.
• writer
  • in prose forms, the instructor asked everyone to say out loud “i am a writer.” we went around the table, one at a time, announcing “i am a writer.” i said it when it was my turn, but it was a lie when i said it. i write, but i’m not a writer. i’m not super sure what ‘a writer’ is, but i feel confident that it’s not me.
• caregiver
  • maybe see ‘teacher’? we live with lots of animals, and i get a great deal of satisfaction from looking after them, just taking care of their daily needs. this cat named Maxxx used to live with us, and he was very sick. every day, he needed medicine put in his food and his pee needed to be constantly monitored. additionally, one of the other cats was an asshole to him, so i was also always trying to keep aware of his interactions with his mates. when he died, i was devastated, and i realized how much taking care of him had become part of my own identity and just how much losing him was losing a part of myself.
• depressed
  • i have been depressed in the past, though i didn’t recognize it until years later. my partner will not stop suggesting that i am depressed now. i mean, i may be, but it’s not very interesting.
• friend
  • see ‘teacher’ for sure. this persona has been very much redefined by the emergence of that one.
• alienated/disconnected from others
  • very much related to the social phobia, in that this is a reflection of that condition and that it is also a contender for one that could potentially be the one that crowds out the others and defines me.
• white/hetero/cisgender male
  • objectively, this is the answer, because it defines all my interactions. i didn’t choose it, of course, but it doesn’t feel like i chose any of this mess. nevertheless, it doesn’t make me feel unique or special, so i reject it as a possible answer. as a white male, it is my prerogative.
• no identity
  • i suppose i’m too old for this, but i still kind of like to pretend that i can reject the idea that i have to have any kind of identity (see the opening of this post) . to pretend that i can be a cipher, an empty box with a simple outline of a person instead of a profile picture. it’s juvenile to still be playing at this, but i won’t deny that the idea still holds a lot of attraction for me.
• afraid
  • very connected to ‘social phobia’ and ‘alienated’ (the link between the two?) but more generalized in that it’s not necessarily connected specifically to interactions with other human beings. however, the most intense, pervasive fear revolves around those moments and relationships, and it seems dishonest to elevate the generic over the specific, in this case.
• partner
  • this is what i like to call myself, since the idea of being ‘husband’ is profoundly unattractive to me. i like this term, because it’s less weighted down with expectations and previously existing associations that i had no hand in establishing. it’s more wide open, meaning that it’s easier for me to fill it up with my own (social phobia, writer, teacher, caregiver, depressed, friend, alienated/disconnected, no identity, afraid) bullshit. it comes with some baggage (it implies a strongly liberal bent, and i have had multiple students ask me if i’m gay), but that baggage is less oppressive and the idea is more open for me to shape in a way that’s comfortable for me. that being said, part of what i’d like my personal version of ‘partner’ to be is collaborative, in that i want to allow my partner to define the role with me. it’s going entirely smoothly, because one of the major pieces of input my partner has contributed so far is that, actually, she doesn’t care for this whole ‘partner’ idea (she prefers to refer to me as ‘husband,’ which is a source of conflict), so i’m not totally sure what to do with that. i’m able to work some of my other stuff into this me, as well, particularly the ‘caregiver’ me, because i get the opportunity to be supportive. though ‘supportive’ is tricky here, because my mode of being supportive doesn’t always necessarily line up perfectly with my partner’s needs, making that element of the relationship an ongoing negotiation. additionally, my constant social phobia and fear taints, or at least exerts pressure (though not always negatively) on the relationship, and thus my status within the relationship. i have a fairly strong personality, when i feel comfortable enough to show it, so i worry that the relationship (and therefore the concept of ‘partner’) is being defined less collaboratively than i like to imagine it is, and i worry that this is especially true in light of the fact that my partner, despite her repeated, vocal waffling on the topic, doesn’t actually even want a partner- she wants a husband.
• contrarian
  • this is what my partner and my oldest friend and my mom say about me. but they’re wrong about that, so it’s not worth spending more time on.

so now i’ve said all these things, talked about myself explicitly for more than a thousand words, and nothing concrete has been accomplished. i haven’t moved forward at all in defining myself clearly. which, as i stated at the start, is not something that i actually wanted to accomplish anyway. so, mission accomplished.