when I was first getting to know my partner, before we were ‘together,’ I remember having a conversation with her that was really important (for me, at least). I remember we were talking about friends, and we both expressed the feeling we’ve always had that, in any friendship we were part of, that we were always the ones who were, clearly and demonstrably, the one in the relationship who was more invested. We felt that it was always us who cared more than the other person, that we were consistently— exclusively, in fact —the one who would put themselves out and keep the friendship going. It was almost, sometimes, like the other person didn’t even care if they had our friendship or not, that it was an entirely one-sided situation where we valued them without any kind of reciprocity.

on the one hand, this is a highly suspect characterization coming from both of us, since we’re both mad neurotic anxious fucking basketcases, but it still felt, to me, significant, since I’d never met anyone else who had this feeling strongly enough to name it and articulate it. I don’t assign any importance to these kinds of coincidences, but still, it felt like we were kindred spirits in this way, and I liked it. So when we ended up getting together, I remembered this discussion, and I hoped that we could both make sure that we never made the other person feel like they were holding up and maintaining the whole relationship in that way. Because we had both experienced being in the other end of that feeling, hopefully we wouldn’t inflict it on each other. of course, however, that’s not how human relationships work, so one of us did. I think. I’m not sure, because I think it’s me. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Obviously, this is not something that I did (and continue to do, I’m afraid) on purpose, but that doesn’t matter. What’s important is that I am afraid I have given my partner the impression that I’m not as into her as she is into me.

Part of the issue is that, naturally, a person will not maintain the same intensity of feeling (or, more to the point, intensity of performance of feeling) at all times. We have been together for almost fifteen years, so there’s going to be ebbs and flows in that time. If I’m being honest, I am bored of her occasionally, as I’m sure she is of me sometimes. I consider what my life would look like without her (sometimes in really specific ways), as I’m sure she does too. I don’t feel like these things are uncommon or cause for alarm, and they don’t worry me.

what does worry me, though, is how these natural consequences of time and familiarity combine with what I will very charitably characterize as my natural impulse toward ‘aloofness,’ because I worry that it sends the message (and maybe even sends it strongly) that I’m no longer engaged in our relationship or that I’m no longer stimulated by her. This is not the case, but it would, I think, be easy to understand it that way. Consider the facts:

• I am not sentimental. In fact, I am aggressively unsentimental. This means that I don’t attach any importance to things like birthdays or anniversaries. This is not to say I ignore them, but I treat them more as excuses to give gifts.
• I’m suspiciously and hostile to rituals and symbolism, so that’s out, as well. We engage in these things solely to satisfy my partner, and she knows this.
• I’m deeply cynical and pessimistic. The only outcomes I can ever imagine are bleak, and I assume the worst of everyone, including and especially myself.

couple these traits, which lead me to dismiss any and everything that’s conventionally romantic, with the corroding/deafening effects of time, and I think that it is highly likely that I probably give the impression to my partner that she’s way more into our relationship than I am.

She’s openly affectionate and regularly tells me that she loves me for lots of specific reasons. She asks for affection. I do none of that, because it’s just not me. I react like an abused dog when someone looks like they’re going to try to touch me, and I’m not comfortable with saying that I love her, because it feels false. (In my reasoning, you show that through your actions, and focusing on communicating it verbally or other dedicated gestures is a way excuse not being reliable/supportive/attentive in more consistent, concrete ways.) I am working on this, because I want to give her what she needs, but it’s hard.

Also, as a symptom of my pessimism and cynicism, I almost never talk about our relationship with any kind of forward-looking anticipation, beyond some negative, dark jokes about why we’ll eventually split. Again, it’s not a commentary on my investment in the relationship, but I imagine it’s very easy to take it that way.

one of the worst things about me is my all-encompassing aversion to sincerity, and I’m afraid that it might be causing my partner to have the impression that I don’t care about her like she cares about me. This is not true, and while I do remain somewhat convinced that something I do or fail to do will be the cause of the inevitable demise of our relationship, I really don’t want it to be for this reason. It’s not accurate, and it would be the worst ever if we split because I am unable to communicate clearly to her that I’m as into her as she’s into me.

I actually am getting much, much better at telling these kinds of things to others, and I feel great about it when I do it, so it’s even more frustrating when I can’t do the same for my partner. It shouldn’t be like that. It’s perverse.

I don’t know what I’m talking about, actually. This isn’t any of your business. 🤨