when the stay-at-home thing started, I felt uniquely equipped to handle it. My anxiety keeps me somewhat self-isolated at all times, and when my partner is out of town, my existence pretty much turns into a self-quarantine situation. I even try to make a game out of how many days I can go without having to leave the house for any reason. It’s just me and the animals. And, while, I’m always happy when my partner returns, I also always feel like I could keep going like this for as long as I needed to. I have sincerely thought that, if I were in Oldboy, I would handle the confinement way better than Dae-su. When the quarantine started, I made lame jokes about preparing for this moment my whole life.

So it’s difficult to admit that I’m not having a good time. To admit that, in fact, I’m having a bad time. It’s definitely other stuff, but it’s also the fact of being stuck inside the house all day, almost every day. School has ended for the semester, and my essay coaching job is gone, so it’s empty time. Even the protests, which are definitely worth leaving the house for, are not an option, because my partner isn’t healthy enough to take that risk. (And, to be fair, it’s not at all clear that I would have the nerve to be out there with all those people, regardless of the righteousness of the cause.) We have a big house, which surely helps, but still. I’m not sleeping hardly at all. And, somehow, it feels like everyone else is having a more fun, fulfilling  quarantine than me. I’m not sure how that works, but it feels true.

There are things to do. There’s dozens of books I own, that I’ve never read, that I can read. There’s a fall semester to plan for, which is actually something that should be prioritized, since I need to plan a curriculum that can move online more smoothly than the one I usually use. I should be writing stuff for my thesis project, since I’m entering the final year of my program. Or writing anything, really (this doesn’t count). I could be watching way more professional wrestling than I am. (I did find a great Japanese adult video message board that I’m enjoying lurking on, but stuff like that always feels more like a giant (and, in this case, more embarrassing than usual) waste of time until I figure out an angle to write about it.)

But there’s always things to do, and always excuses to put them off. If I think about it, honestly, this is what happens every time I am left alone or with no urgent obligations: when there’s nothing to do, I do nothing. I hate myself for it, but I don’t change. It’s always a long, continuous, low buzzing of a headache, and I keep feeding it nothing. Nothing is here to distract me from, like, me. 😳

Am I depressed? Possibly, but that’s not very interesting.

God, I want to buy clothes online so bad. 😂