It’s been pointed out to me (most notably by my partner (indeed, most things are pointed out to me by her (though, ironically, I seem to take these observations (or are they criticisms? (to be sure, does any suggestion that there is an aspect of ourselves that we’re not aware of amount to, in some way, a critique (and to what extent does ‘critique’ (or, really, any outside force causing us slow down, take inventory of the self (and here, though I must insist I’m really only thinking about myself (as though this has ever, at any point in any of our lives (the act of performing for others, being just that— a performance (and not a sophisticated one, at that (although I guess it’s possible I’m assuming too much about people I’ll never really know (despite the fact that, like my partner seeing me (that is to say, seeing the me that I perform (and I do (even when I’m shut in the house for months on end) perform), which is essentially, me), I am likely very possibly seeing others more clearly than they see themselves) because it’s easier than taking a sober, clear-eyed look at my own self), though this fact renders it no less compelling to its intended audience) that we rehearse, rewrite and tweak over our lifetimes), been in question, or even been terribly hard to discern), I suppose potential parallels to larger, real life events are hard to not acknowledge) and consider the possibility that we have been misguided and/or straight-up wrong) = ‘attack’ ?); an accusation that we don’t know ourselves as well as we think we do?) or do I only understand them as criticisms because they are coming from her, and I’m uneasy at how clearly she sees me?) less seriously when they come from her), notably and forcefully) but by others, as well) that the use of parentheticals is central to my writing style.

i’m talking to a young woman. we’ve just met recently, and we’re working together over the summer. we’re discussion prejudice, sexism, racism; all the important stuff. i’m trying to explain my perspective on these things, and it’s not going well:

“ohhh, okay. i think i know what you mean. i’ve heard guys make this argument before. it’s ‘everyone is racist/racism is the natural state, and that can’t be changed, and the only rational response to that is to align with your own group’s interests.”

this is a recurring theme, and i don’t like it. in fact, it scares the hell out of me.

i have to back up and disassociate myself from these guys that she’s met, because that is absolutely not my argument. i’m familiar with it, and i’ve also seen people espousing it, but it’s never occurred to me that my own perspective could be confused with theirs. it’s not a good look, but it also makes me question myself. this woman i’m talking to is not stupid, so if she can misintrepret my ideas like this, then i’m either explaining them poorly or i need to do some thinking.

it reminds me of something that my partner once said to me, actually.

during a discussion of the Tea Party, the conservative movement that arose during and in reaction to the presidency of Barack Obama, she threw this in my face:

“You know you’re like those Tea Party people, right? I would think you would be more sympathetic to them, considering that you both distrust the government for, basically, the same reasons, and you both want to burn it down rather than work to make the system better. You both don’t trust the media, even if the reasons are different. You’re saying the same things, just your explanation is different. The end result is identical. So, when you critique them, it’s honestly a little weird.”

oof.