Warm, red-faced headache.
Hot elaborate mess.
In spite of good intentions,
I can never sleep in strange beds.
My mother told me she went into labor
outdoors in January,
smashing up ice with a shovel.
She felt something break-
a sharp pain.
I imagine her on the way to the hospital;
teeth clenched,
holding me in like a bowel movement.
Is this the way it happens-
they hold you in for as long as they can?
I was reading by the time I was three.
A smart little shit.
probably not.
you do like to make things hard on yourself.
do you ever think, like, ‘wow. this guy is fucking pathetic.’
of course, i think about you all the time.
okay, yeah. i just mean, when i’m sitting here talking. i think it.
well, of course you think it. it’s all you think.
it’s-
yes, i do. i imagine you wiping your ass and trying not to burst into tears because you’re afraid that everyone knows that you don’t wipe the exact right way or something like that. you’re a mess, and i’m mentally composing emails to other therapists to tell them about the sadsack who thinks everyone in the world hates him and is totally right.
…
is that what you’re imagining?
i knew it.
LoL. actually, a lot of the time i think about how impressive some of the things you’re doing are, and how you don’t give yourself credit for them.
well, it is impressive for an almost middle-aged adult to be able to hold a job and a partner at the same time, all while having conversations with other adults on the daily.
that’s what i’m talking about. these things are difficult for you, and you don’t give yourself credit for them. these are things you were not able to do for a long time, and they’re things that are still difficult. rather than avoiding them, telling yourself that they’re beyond your abilities, you do them every single day.
everybody does them every single day. i may as well be patting myself on the back for wiping my own ass correctly.
it makes no sense to simultaneously acknowledge you have a problem and then minimize that problem and yourself for having it. it’s self-defeating. even when you’re making progress, you can’t give yourself credit for it. think about when you first came here. we had to make a game plan for you to be able to make a phone call, remember? it took two tries, right here in the office. i had to make you do it here so you’d actually do it. you were shaking before and after. and now you’re going to parties. parties with people you don’t even know.
yeah, but i drink before we even leave the house.
oh yeah?
yeah, i do a shot of whatever’s the strongest stuff we have in the house. 151, or even everclear.
oh my god, you drink that?
i have to, to be able to do it.
i don’t think that’s even weird. most people need to drink to relax around strangers.
do they need to get drunk before they even arrive?
some of them, probably. that’s one of the main things people use alcohol for. in fact, a lot of time, people with your issues, because they usually aren’t able to bring themselves to go talk to someone- like you were able to do -use alcohol to self-medicate, and it often leads to alcoholism, but you’re using it in what sounds like a healthy way. see, instead of giving yourself credit for the accomplishment, you’re penalizing yourself for how you do it. honestly, i’m impressed that you’re actually using alcohol effectively in that way. it’s like it doesn’t even matter that you did the thing, because you know that you were still uncomfortable. guess what? you’ll always be uncomfortable. it’s who you are, but people don’t necessarily recognize it, and if you’re able to manage it and still do the things you want to do then that would be the definition of success.
xoxox always says that it’s almost like i’m myself when i’m drunk. that she can’t believe that when i’m talking to people, to strangers, it’s almost like i’m myself, instead of being scared and hiding.
when you’re fucked up.
that’s the real me. that’s what she says, anyway.
do you believe her?
i don’t know. i do wander off from her sometimes and talk to people on my own.
on purpose?
i’m not sure. i’m drunk.
are you aware that you’ve left her?
yeah.
are you very concerned about what the people are thinking of you in those moments?
of course i am. whatever xoxox sees, i’m still the real real me, inside.
so what she thinks she’s seeing isn’t the truth.
well, it’s her truth. it’s not the truth.
what she or anyone else might be seeing or thinking or feeling isn’t the truth. what you’re seeing, thinking, feeling- that everyone hates you -that’s the truth.
yeah, but i don’t usually realize it till later.
when you’ve had time to sober up and think about it.
yeah.
tell me some things you like about yourself.
what do you mean?
you spend a lot of time talking about the things you don’t like about yourself, and even more time thinking about those things. you like to think you’re good at seeing things complexly. you’ve talked about how your partner has trouble balancing good and bad in her perceptions of others- she tends to see all good or all bad and has trouble admitting negative aspects of people she likes. you’ve said you think you’re better with that sort of thing. and i think you’re right, as long as it’s about others. i think you have a lot of trouble seeing good things about yourself. tell me some good things about yourself.
just right now?
yes. you never have trouble of thinking of bad things right on the spot.
um,
it can be anything. just tell me things about yourself that you like, things that are good about you.
…
i just spent like the last forty-five minutes watching the video for Kelly Clarkson’s song ‘since u been gone’ like fifteen times in a row. i wanted to watch the backstreet boys’ video for ‘i want it that way,’ which i haven’t heard in a minute, and that led me to some n’sync songs, then i noticed ‘since u been gone’ suggested. i never really listened to that song before, but i had definitely heard it in stores and restaurants and such, so i checked it out, and i was actually really confused by it (part of the reason i watched it so many times). i just totally misunderstood the narrative of the video (and maybe the song?) the first few times i watched it through.
i’m not sure where i got this idea (maybe i misheard some lyrics in the past, or i read something, or someone told me something, or i conflated the song with some other song or something, or i just assumed something that wasn’t right), but i was under the impression that the song was about breaking up and at first being broken up but then realizing that you’re happy to be on your own. the lyrics, now that i’ve really heard them, don’t necessarily contradict (or even really discourage) my reading, but they don’t particularly validate it, either. it’s whatever. but the video isn’t very sympathetic to that interpretation.
in the video, it seems pretty obvious that her boyfriend broke up with her and is now with some other girl. it’s not clear if he left her for the other girl or if they broke up and then he met someone new. (honestly, this seems somewhat important, because if he just met someone new after their relationship didn’t work out, then she’s even more of a jerk for trashing his place- there’s quite a bit of context missing.) but the story of the video seems to be that they broke up and (and this seems more than a bit contrary to the claims of the actual song) she takes revenge by trashing his apartment. (it is nice and cathartic, however, which does match the spirit of the song.) i want to say that the video is off-base, though, because the song is (i think) about the relief of realizing that you’re happy about a break-up that you had thought was the end of the world. but that’s whatever. i’m kind of more interested in the fact that, the first couple of times i watched the video i thought it lined up acceptably (if maybe a bit strangely) with my interpretation of song’s meaning. (i was sort of half-watching the video, i want to point out, and paying more attention to the lyrics. but still.)
i thought it was her own apartment she was in, and the boyfriend had moved out. i still think you are supposed to believe that for a minute, but each time i watched it i kept thinking that impression was supposed to last less time than the time before- now i think you’re supposed to doubt it as soon as she starts squeezing toothpaste or whatever into the sink (certainly when she starts cutting up clothes in the closet), but i was thinking it was her apartment up until the very end, when the guy and his new girl come into the apartment to find it trashed. even when she comes out onto the street, it was obvious to me that that was the person she was singing about, with a new girl, but i just took it as a coincidence that they happened to be walking down the street right outside her place. i thought it just supposed to put a point on the fact that she was happy to be alone.
i did think it was odd that she was trashing her own apartment, but i took it as her giving the kiss-off not just to him, but to the person she thought she was (dependent, needing to be in a relationship, etc.). it seemed perfectly reasonable and matched what i believe(d) is/was the theme of the song itself. with that in mind, i accepted it as logical. she destroys the lingerie she bought to please someone else, the bed and bathroom they shared, really the whole life of who she used to be. the picture she destroys (of dude and his new girlfriend- which suggests that they’ve been broken up for quite a while, which, again, undercuts the claims of the song itself) there’s really no excuse for not noticing. i honestly thought it was her at first in the picture. same for the end, when they find the place trashed- all i can say is i must not have been paying attention at all by the very end of the song. again, given the energy of the song, trashing the place seemed plausible enough.
i’m not sure who to put the blame on for my misunderstanding here, though. the lyrics of the song are ambiguous enough that i can see the narrative of the video kind of fitting them, and it’s not like a music video necessarily has to maintain absolute fidelity to the lyrics of the song (as if that’s even possible), but i still feel like there’s an uncomfortable contradiction between what the song claims (i’m relieved to be free and over you) and the narrative of the video (i don’t care so much that i’m going to break into your apartment and smash all your shit). ironic juxtaposition is certainly a possibility, but there’s not any indication given that the video is intending such a contrast.
or maybe there is. i’m still interested in the fact that, despite the fact that, by the time the video ends, it’s pretty much indisputable that not only was that not her apartment, it was her ex-boyfriend’s apartment, i continued to believe that it was, through multiple viewings. i was paying more attention to the lyrics, sure, but it’s not like they made it hard to puzzle out. there were multiple moments that made it clear what was going on that i did totally notice, but i just decided to think ‘that’s strange, but whatever.’ whoever made the video very obviously didn’t understand what the song was about, but i wasn’t able to understand what the video was very obviously about, and who fault is that? it’s whatever.
guy walks into his therapist’s office. he missed his last appointment, forgot it completely. he sat at home watching a movie, didn’t even hear his phone ring when she called to find out where the hell he was. she left a message: “i’m just calling to make sure you’re alright. it’s not like you to miss an appointment.” now it’s two weeks later and he’s on time, ready to put in work. his therapist graciously didn’t charge him for the missed appointment. he sits down.
so, how have things been?
he don’t know what to say.
i’ve been dying to hear how your presentation went!
his mouth opens slightly, but he stays silent. he looks at a pile of board games on her shelf.
last time you were just about to leave for the conference. how did it go?
does she play those games with patients?
god you look fat.
yeah, fat with worry.
***
teaching is hard.
i stand up there, and i pretend i have a clue. like i know something they don’t, like they should listen to me. like what i’m saying is important. like i’m important.
i don’t feel like they’re buying it. and why should they? none of it makes sense to them. it sounds arbitrary, capricious. like i’m making it up as i go along. my 8:30am class suspects something is amiss. i put myself in their shoes. this is fucking shit. i hate myself.
the thing is, though, this stuff does make sense. it’s not arbitrary, it’s really useful and important skills i’m trying give to them. and i do know about it. i’m trying my best to help, i think. still, i look at it from their point of view, and it’s such fucking shit. i hate myself.
i show up, every day, ready to die.
***
you’re your own worst critic, you know.
hm.
well, if you don’t know, now you know.
, nigga.
i’m sure most of your class thinks you’re great. it’s extremely unlikely that they all hate you, don’t you think?
…
so, two weeks from today?
everything’s likely.
when i was little i used to constantly worry about how i understood the world, if it made sense to others the same way it made sense to me. i would lay awake at night wondering if the things i saw, the things i said and did, meant what i thought they meant. if i take a spelling test and i write down my answers, what does it mean when someone else looks at it? i hear the teacher say “automobile,” (but what they have really said is “-..–/***”) and i write on my paper what I believe is “automobile,” but when anyone else looks at it they see
∧ ∧
(,,ﾟДﾟ) Oh
| つつ No!
～| |
∪∪
and this is not the correct answer for “-..–/***.” but when they try to tell me that i am wrong, that i have misunderstood, all i understand is “good job! you are an excellent speller!” and repeated instances of this type lead to everyone being perpetually angry and out of patience with me, constantly yelling and dismissing me, which i misunderstand as them being kind and supportive. people hate me because i can’t see or understand the world. when i am supposed to be crying i think it is my turn at the drinking fountain. i think i am supposed to kick the ball when it is rolled towards me, but everyone is so because i won’t stop being rest. i don’t understand that over is under actually, that when the teacher looks at me it is because i’m not supposed to be they’ll let again, that when i help other students with remainders Iie am making actual laughs i’m ton speaking elevant english, raise her why her. i am a football fish at a cuddle party.
it was a terrible feeling. fortunately, it doesn’t happen as much these days.
This my very first post.
shook notes 